It is a sad reality, especially in South Africa, that so many of us women have experienced some form of abuse. The gender-based violence statistics are higher than they have ever been. It is a frightening and sickening part of our reality. According to StatsSA over 50% of women have experienced violence at the hands of someone with whom they were in a relationship. In 2018 it was recorded that 6% of women over the age of 18 have experienced sexual violence by a partner, we can feel safe to assume this number a lot higher owing to the vast number of cases that go unreported. In June, of this year, 30 women and children were killed in crimes of gender-based violence. However, women are not just statistics we are human beings with emotion; we have to pick ourselves up and keep moving forward.
Emotional and physical abuse leave deep scars, whether they are visible or not. Often we are left wondering how we are supposed to return to centre and start feeling “normal” again. Before we begin unpacking that, let’s begin by defining what IPV is.
Intimate partner violence:
This includes physical, sexual and emotional and controlling behaviours perpetrated by a partner (current or former).
If you have recently had the courage to get out of an abusive relationship or if you’re considering doing so, I’m sure you’ll have noticed that your self-image and self-esteem has been greatly altered. In some cases, it could even feel totally destroyed, along with your feelings of trust, comfort and safety. You’re probably sitting somewhere in between panic and survival mode.
I know it may feel challenging, scary and seemingly impossible, but you can regain your self-esteem. You can, and you will! It might be one of the most challenging things you undertake, but oh so worth it. Patience, determination and a lot of love and kindness are just some of the tools you’ll need to harness to put some of my tips into practice.
1. Remove/block your ex on all platforms
It may be difficult to stop thinking about your relationship. Always having access to his pictures or Instagram stories will keep you in a perpetual loop. It will bring back all the bad as well as some of the good, as artificial as that was. All this can lead to you getting back together or blaming yourself for the way things turned out. By removing them from your social media, you no longer have to obsess or stress about their lives, and they now have no way into your life. You can start the process of moving on and ridding yourself of any self-doubt.
2. Forgive yourself
Forgive yourself for not noticing it sooner, for not leaving sooner. For all the times, you didn’t stand up for yourself, for the small mistakes. None of it is your fault. What your abuser did to you was wrong. You didn’t deserve any of it, not the guilt or the shame or the fear. It’s okay if other people don’t believe you or if other people can “see his side”. That has nothing to do with you. Abuse in any form is never your fault; it doesn’t matter how you got there; it doesn’t matter why you stayed. Set yourself free, forgive yourself so you can start loving yourself fully and honestly.
3. Understand that abuse is never love
Now that you’ve stepped away and the panic and stress have somewhat subsided do not fall into the trap of thinking about the good moments and confusing them with love. Whilst you may be going through heartbreak, you must tell yourself that something that unhealthy and unsafe was never love. The people in your life that love you are not supposed to bring you down.
4. Unlearn all the coping methods
All the tricks and manoeuvres you pulled to keep your abuser happy do not serve you or any potential partner you may have in future. You learned to be submissive, quiet and to second-guess every action you made to avoid the violence and anger. You learnt to navigate through the booby traps and minefields in order to stay out of the line of fire. You learnt to diminish your intrinsic value in order to accept totally unacceptable treatment. The sooner you rid yourself of these mechanisms, the better your relationship with yourself and others will be. If this has been helpful to you, please let me know. Feel free to contact me for personal or group sessions. I aim to help you regain and rebuild your self-esteem. You need to know your worth!
